I’ve been trying to read Steve Ballmer’s rambling missive on Microsoft’s reorg without falling asleep, and finally made it after the third try. While there were moments of clarity in the letter, they were obscured by corporate-speak and bizarre, meandering asides.

I wondered: How would this letter look if we took out all the non-essentials? Well, here’s my attempt.

~~~

From: Steve Ballmer
To: Microsoft - All Employees
Date: July 11, 2013, 6 a.m.
Subject: One Microsoft

Today, we are announcing a reorganization.

This company has always had a big vision: to help people realize their full potential. In the earliest days, it was by putting a PC on every desk and in every home. We’ve come farther than we could have imagined. The impact we have made in the world is undeniable. I am inspired when new hires say they chose Microsoft because they want to change the world.

Read more…

The only thing you really have in your life is time. And if you invest that time in yourself to have great experiences that are going to enrich you, then you can’t possibly lose.

• #quote

This is my favorite copypasta:

I am sorry to be the baron of bad news, but you seem buttered, so allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies, and are more than just ice king on the cake. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite.

So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality.

I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn’t take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It’s clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the fax, instead of making a half-harded effort. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother’s mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake.

Thanks to the Language Log for finding this.

BlackBerry CEO: Forget Sales, Focus On Services

parislemon:

Larry Dignan on BlackBerry’s Q1 miss:

Thorsten Heins, CEO of BlackBerry, tried to recast the company narrative around enterprise mobility management instead of devices.

And there was a good reason for that pitch from Heins. BlackBerry’s first quarter missed on multiple metrics as the company’s revenue and smartphone shipments failed to live up to expectations. What’s most worrisome for BlackBerry is that analysts were expecting a solid quarter based on channel fill.

They’re starting to concede the fate I laid out a year ago…

suntimesdarktimes:

Front pages, June 26, 2013. 

Here’s what happens when you fire all your photojournalist staff.

• #design